Jääkuningas

Jääkuningas saapuu, valkeassa puvussaan.

Astelee hän vuorellaan, jonka omistaa.

Hän lausuu loitsuja ja maa tärisee,

mahtava lumikinos nousee päälle vuoren.

Pohjoisen tuuli puhaltaa, lunta tuohon tupahan.

Lumi täyttää huoneet, laskeutuu ja kuolee.

Kylmä viima karkottaa, viimeisenkin pisaran.

Niin rakensi kuningas mahtavan linnan.

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Opiskelija

Kohta on opiskelu ohi

vierähtihän siinä tovi.

Kesäksi töihin mä meen

syksyllä Lontooseen.

Toivon että siellä asua saan

kämpän kaverin kanssa jaan.

En mä muuta toivo tai pyydä

älä mun niskaan paskaa syydä.

Anna mun elää täysillä

matkustaa siellä ja täällä.

Rikastuttaa elämää kokemuksilla

käydä joskus ylikierroksilla.

Ehkä elämä on laiffii

mut kai siihen tarvii massii.

Sitä pitäis kai kerätä

jotta jaksais aina herätä

uuteen aamuun ja päivään

seikkailuun ilman huolen häivää.

Elämä jakoi hyvät kortit

aukeaa melkein kaikki portit.

Kannattaa korkealle kurottaa

ei sieltä voi kuin pudota.

Mutta pohjalta on hyvä nousta
matka jatkuu ylös, tuosta.

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The last seconds

I
It's nearly noon and it's almost time. 
Everything is were it's supposed to be. 
I've done what my parents asked me to do. 
I set the table, I baked the cake with my mother, I cleaned up my room.
I sent the invitations a week ago so everyone could come.
My friends should be here soon.
What if no one comes? What if there won't be any friends.
I'm so nervous.


II
I worked hard for this. For my entire life.
Sleepless nights making last notes to my essays. Endless headaches for reading too much. Lost friendships for being too dedicated. Tears I've shed for this.
Soon I will walk down there. Get the paper I've wanted for five years. 
A piece of paper that will change my life forever.
I am giving a speech. Honorary student. That's what they say I am.
My hands are shaking.


III
Red roses, expensive champagne, a walk in the moonlight.
That was perfection. He shouldn't even exist.
This has been the most romantic date I've ever been. Maybe this happened too soon.
He kneeled down.
A warm wave through my chest. He asked. He asked!


IV
I can't believe I'm here. 
The walls. The stairs. The kitchen. The bathroom. The backyard.
My fiancé. My darling fiancé.
We just need to sign the paper.
The real estate agent looks at us.
Of course we will take this.
My stomach turns when I take the pen.


V
I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I brush my hair behind my ear.
I take a deep breath. The music reaches me.
He looks so handsome. I love him so much.
We can't seem to break the eye contact.
I grasp the bouquet tighter.
"...as your husband; love, honour and cherish him now and forevermore?"
A tear escapes from the corner of my eye.


VI
I put my shoes on. My husband grabs the bag and runs out of the house.
I lean on the wall. I breath heavily. This is it.
My husband drives faster than in the best action movies ever made.
He pulls right in front of the main entrance.
They give me some pills.
The pain. I have to scream.
"When ever you are ready, push"


VII
We pull off the next exit on the highway.
I glance him from the rear mirror.
His headphones are hanging around his neck.
'Our youngest one' I think and smile.
There's cardboard boxes everywhere. The lift is broken.
I unpack the mugs. Exhale.
Hug him goodbye.
"Call us"


VIII
I take out the dress I wish I didn't have to wear.
I put on earrings. Fit the shoes on.
Take the red rose and walk out the door to the car waiting outside.
Our children in the front row. I sat down.
Handkerchiefs.
I throw the rose to the pit.
"I will always love you"

 
 ---


The last seconds are different for each person in each part of life. 
And every single one of them is important.
So cherish the moment. Each and every one of them.
Otherwise you will wake up one day to realize your life has passed you by when you weren't watching close enough.








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Mental breakdown?

This is it = this is shit


I'm 22, soon 23.
I have no fucking clue what to do with my life.
I already have two occupations: special needs assistant and chef. I still feel like neither one of those jobs are meant for me. I feel like I want to do something else. Or maybe it's because of the current job that I'm feeling like this?

I'm telling myself that it's not possible. That would mean I'm weak and I can't do my job. That would be admitting that I am not good enough. That would be like telling myself that I'm a loser.
And I won't have that. I am not a loser. I will prove it. To myself, to my family and to my friends.
But why do I have to prove it? If I just can't do it, I can't do it. Why couldn't I admit that I need help, that I'm not good enought. That I feel like I can't do it.

Sometimes I feel like blowing my brains off. Why do I make my life so complicated? Why? When it could be so easy. Maybe that's it.
What's the point living if life is too easy? Life is already short! Let's challenge ourselves every day. Let's prove we are better than someone else we know.
But why? Why do I need prove anyone (or make them believe)that I'm better? To make myself feel better?
That is sick. That means I don't have anything else in my life. I don't have a life.

I don't have a life.

So what to do? Change my career, job, friend? Find a boyfriend? What would make me feel good enough so that I don't need to prove myself to others? I don't think there's anything because I'm just human. And this is the way we act when we mind too much what others think about us.

Back to square one. Fuck my life.

Analysing myself is hard.
So... What to do?
Keep the crappy job and go on with my miserable so called life?

I wish I had the balls to quit my job and go to Africa and do voluntary work there. But what I do now is safe and I know what I'm doing. Doing something radical would mean insecure and new. That's what scares the crap out of me.

I just realized that I'm fucking boring person. I just try to fool people with my looks and the way I act. There's nothing interesting about me. I'm like a grey mouse who's too comfortable on her current situation and is too afraid to change it though she wants it so badly.
I am a fucking mouse.
I am a coward. I dream big but I do nothing to achieve it.

I am not happy with my life. I  may not even be comfortable. I just adjust with the situation.

I am fucked up. I don't know what went wrong. My parents are amazing and they gave me the best childhood one can hope. I just feel like I'm not good enough. I don't know if I can blame anyone but myself.

...


I just read some of my old emails I had exchanged with my parents in 2011. It really helped me. Talking to my friends helped me. Thank you J, K and H. Thank you mom and dad.
Everything is going to okay, everything is going to be fine. I have to take risks so that I don't end up in one place. In a place I'm not being comfortable or happy. Feels like a big weight has been lifted from my chest.

I will quit my job this May and do something else. If I'm lucky I'm going to school and study.
Who knows. The time will tell :)





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Pippi Långstrump - Pippi Longstocking

When I was little I remember watching Pippi Långstrump (or Pippi Longstockings as you may know her) from VHS videotapes my mom had bought me. Pippi was strong and independent girl who's mom had died and her father was seafarer in South Seas, the king of the Hottentots. Pippi moves to Villa Villekulla with her monkey Herr Nilsson (Eng. Mr. Nilsson) and her horse Lilla Gubben (Eng. "little old man") and becomes friends with Tommy and Annika living next door.
What caught my attention on this girl was the fact that she was a girl with orange hair on two braids pointing left and right, and freckles on her face. She had her own will, the power and the strenght to live on her own and be herself no matter what people thought. She didn't really know if her father was still alive but she kept on hoping.
I always used to ask my mom to make me two braids, I would sit on my rocking horse and watch the TV-series of Pippi. The episodes were very exciting because one never knew what she would do or where she would go next. I loved the episode with the candy store when she bought 18kg of sweets and plenty of toys for children to share. Other episode I loved was the Christmas one where she has baked Herr Nilsson and Lilla Gubben and many others as ginger breads and she's decorating them. But the best one is the movie Pippi Långstrump på de sju haven (Pippi Longstocking in South Seas)  in which Peppi goes on a journey with Tommy and Annika to rescue her father from the pirates who had kidnapped him. Their captain's name was Blod-Svente and he was a fearless pirate who sang Merj Mojsi song (click here if you want to listen to the song) with his crew, ate meat and drank a lot. When Pippi sailed on the South Seas she sang about Kalle Teodor (listen the song of Kalle Teodor from here). These songs have sank on my mind ever since and I always sang along, the main theme also obviously (you can listen to it here).
My mom has told me a story about after watching Pippi Långstrump. I was watching the movie while sitting on the rocking horse as usual with my hair on two braids. After the movie my mom called my name because dinner was ready "-- come to the table, please. Food is ready" when I angrily shouted back at her "My name is not -- I am Pippi Långstrump!" and I refused to go to eat before my mom called me Pippi.

Swedish - Pippilotta Viktualia Rullgardina Krusmynta Efraimsdotter Långstrump
Finnish - Peppilotta Sikuriina Rullakartiina Kissanminttu Efraimintytär Pitkätossu
English - Pippilotta Delicatessa Windowshade Mackrelmint Efraim's Daughter Longstocking








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Annoyed in Germany

Better would my life be, if I could pack my bags and flee.
Death do I not mean, but there's nothing worse I have seen.
Anywhere else I could go on, wise man said it before, it was John.

~
 
Walking with my bare feet though, if I only were at home.
Don't even think such things,
Here they have absolute strings!
They don't giggle, laugh or play
There's no freaking way.
No sir, not even for fun.
Only pointing you with a figurative gun.
 
~
 
”Don't open the kitchen door! Remember to scrub the floor!”
Feels like hitting refrain, my life is such a pain.
Obay the order, command and rule, I feel like I'm their tool.
Everyday something new, oh should I learn kung fu?
 
~
 
Worst must be the mom, there were three bread crumb,
on the table next to me, and she thinks it's a start of a small sea:
”It's piling up really fast, oh thank god you cleaned it up at last!”
 
~
 
It's like she wants to eat from the floor, soon I will declare a war.
Just give me a gun! Please, at least let me punch someone.
I bought the plain ticket, I bet you ”dig it”.
I can't take this anymore. Finland, you are the only one I adore.
 
~
 
The feeling is getting stronger, I can't wait any longer.
 
~
 
The autumnal breeze, lovely colourful trees,
Home is what it all represent, no more this torment.
Feeling light as air, by the nature, right there.
 
~
 
I would work anywhere. Honestly, I swear!
Though I'd rather storm in the woods, beside a bear and a moose.
I could roll up my sleeves and rake the beautiful leaves,
go to the library and read a book about strawberry
Climb to a tree, hide there where no one can see me.
 
~
 
After sun goes down and there's no one left to play around,
We would get a map and dig up a swell trap
to anyone who's trying to find the treasure.
Because that's what we will do ourselves on our leisure.
 
~
 
For a bedtime story, we would read a tale full of glory:
Robin Hood and his Merry Men, or Peter Pan flying over Big Ben.
Celebrating till the dawn, we would be living on,
I would not hide in the dark, I would be out there running around the park.
Smiling to everyone willing to see, to everyone who wants to be as happy as me
 
~
 
To you all in the dear homeland, playing in the same band:
Let's play the same tune, we will see each other quite soon






x

Defeated

In the night's darkest hours thinking the future of ours:
It's all in vain - just meaningless pain 
Why would I want to make it better,
just write the suicide letter


All your fears 

are coming and it's nothing
compared to the shared scare
you're about to pass through 
”Listen to you!”

Just silence and the fucking violence

are now with you in this world so blue
”But you can create a new ice cold life:
with a brand new wife!”
”Dancing on the edge of the sharpest knife?”

”Just pull the trigger and figure
that this all disappears – ends in tears.”

…

Walking to the grave trying to act brave,
holding your sons hand, don't shiver - just stand. 

You did this, you caused it
Are you happy now? Take your bow. 





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