Mental breakdown?

This is it = this is shit


I'm 22, soon 23.
I have no fucking clue what to do with my life.
I already have two occupations: special needs assistant and chef. I still feel like neither one of those jobs are meant for me. I feel like I want to do something else. Or maybe it's because of the current job that I'm feeling like this?

I'm telling myself that it's not possible. That would mean I'm weak and I can't do my job. That would be admitting that I am not good enough. That would be like telling myself that I'm a loser.
And I won't have that. I am not a loser. I will prove it. To myself, to my family and to my friends.
But why do I have to prove it? If I just can't do it, I can't do it. Why couldn't I admit that I need help, that I'm not good enought. That I feel like I can't do it.

Sometimes I feel like blowing my brains off. Why do I make my life so complicated? Why? When it could be so easy. Maybe that's it.
What's the point living if life is too easy? Life is already short! Let's challenge ourselves every day. Let's prove we are better than someone else we know.
But why? Why do I need prove anyone (or make them believe)that I'm better? To make myself feel better?
That is sick. That means I don't have anything else in my life. I don't have a life.

I don't have a life.

So what to do? Change my career, job, friend? Find a boyfriend? What would make me feel good enough so that I don't need to prove myself to others? I don't think there's anything because I'm just human. And this is the way we act when we mind too much what others think about us.

Back to square one. Fuck my life.

Analysing myself is hard.
So... What to do?
Keep the crappy job and go on with my miserable so called life?

I wish I had the balls to quit my job and go to Africa and do voluntary work there. But what I do now is safe and I know what I'm doing. Doing something radical would mean insecure and new. That's what scares the crap out of me.

I just realized that I'm fucking boring person. I just try to fool people with my looks and the way I act. There's nothing interesting about me. I'm like a grey mouse who's too comfortable on her current situation and is too afraid to change it though she wants it so badly.
I am a fucking mouse.
I am a coward. I dream big but I do nothing to achieve it.

I am not happy with my life. I  may not even be comfortable. I just adjust with the situation.

I am fucked up. I don't know what went wrong. My parents are amazing and they gave me the best childhood one can hope. I just feel like I'm not good enough. I don't know if I can blame anyone but myself.

...


I just read some of my old emails I had exchanged with my parents in 2011. It really helped me. Talking to my friends helped me. Thank you J, K and H. Thank you mom and dad.
Everything is going to okay, everything is going to be fine. I have to take risks so that I don't end up in one place. In a place I'm not being comfortable or happy. Feels like a big weight has been lifted from my chest.

I will quit my job this May and do something else. If I'm lucky I'm going to school and study.
Who knows. The time will tell :)





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