Mental breakdown?

This is it = this is shit


I'm 22, soon 23.
I have no fucking clue what to do with my life.
I already have two occupations: special needs assistant and chef. I still feel like neither one of those jobs are meant for me. I feel like I want to do something else. Or maybe it's because of the current job that I'm feeling like this?

I'm telling myself that it's not possible. That would mean I'm weak and I can't do my job. That would be admitting that I am not good enough. That would be like telling myself that I'm a loser.
And I won't have that. I am not a loser. I will prove it. To myself, to my family and to my friends.
But why do I have to prove it? If I just can't do it, I can't do it. Why couldn't I admit that I need help, that I'm not good enought. That I feel like I can't do it.

Sometimes I feel like blowing my brains off. Why do I make my life so complicated? Why? When it could be so easy. Maybe that's it.
What's the point living if life is too easy? Life is already short! Let's challenge ourselves every day. Let's prove we are better than someone else we know.
But why? Why do I need prove anyone (or make them believe)that I'm better? To make myself feel better?
That is sick. That means I don't have anything else in my life. I don't have a life.

I don't have a life.

So what to do? Change my career, job, friend? Find a boyfriend? What would make me feel good enough so that I don't need to prove myself to others? I don't think there's anything because I'm just human. And this is the way we act when we mind too much what others think about us.

Back to square one. Fuck my life.

Analysing myself is hard.
So... What to do?
Keep the crappy job and go on with my miserable so called life?

I wish I had the balls to quit my job and go to Africa and do voluntary work there. But what I do now is safe and I know what I'm doing. Doing something radical would mean insecure and new. That's what scares the crap out of me.

I just realized that I'm fucking boring person. I just try to fool people with my looks and the way I act. There's nothing interesting about me. I'm like a grey mouse who's too comfortable on her current situation and is too afraid to change it though she wants it so badly.
I am a fucking mouse.
I am a coward. I dream big but I do nothing to achieve it.

I am not happy with my life. I  may not even be comfortable. I just adjust with the situation.

I am fucked up. I don't know what went wrong. My parents are amazing and they gave me the best childhood one can hope. I just feel like I'm not good enough. I don't know if I can blame anyone but myself.

...


I just read some of my old emails I had exchanged with my parents in 2011. It really helped me. Talking to my friends helped me. Thank you J, K and H. Thank you mom and dad.
Everything is going to okay, everything is going to be fine. I have to take risks so that I don't end up in one place. In a place I'm not being comfortable or happy. Feels like a big weight has been lifted from my chest.

I will quit my job this May and do something else. If I'm lucky I'm going to school and study.
Who knows. The time will tell :)





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Pippi Långstrump - Pippi Longstocking

When I was little I remember watching Pippi Långstrump (or Pippi Longstockings as you may know her) from VHS videotapes my mom had bought me. Pippi was strong and independent girl who's mom had died and her father was seafarer in South Seas, the king of the Hottentots. Pippi moves to Villa Villekulla with her monkey Herr Nilsson (Eng. Mr. Nilsson) and her horse Lilla Gubben (Eng. "little old man") and becomes friends with Tommy and Annika living next door.
What caught my attention on this girl was the fact that she was a girl with orange hair on two braids pointing left and right, and freckles on her face. She had her own will, the power and the strenght to live on her own and be herself no matter what people thought. She didn't really know if her father was still alive but she kept on hoping.
I always used to ask my mom to make me two braids, I would sit on my rocking horse and watch the TV-series of Pippi. The episodes were very exciting because one never knew what she would do or where she would go next. I loved the episode with the candy store when she bought 18kg of sweets and plenty of toys for children to share. Other episode I loved was the Christmas one where she has baked Herr Nilsson and Lilla Gubben and many others as ginger breads and she's decorating them. But the best one is the movie Pippi Långstrump på de sju haven (Pippi Longstocking in South Seas)  in which Peppi goes on a journey with Tommy and Annika to rescue her father from the pirates who had kidnapped him. Their captain's name was Blod-Svente and he was a fearless pirate who sang Merj Mojsi song (click here if you want to listen to the song) with his crew, ate meat and drank a lot. When Pippi sailed on the South Seas she sang about Kalle Teodor (listen the song of Kalle Teodor from here). These songs have sank on my mind ever since and I always sang along, the main theme also obviously (you can listen to it here).
My mom has told me a story about after watching Pippi Långstrump. I was watching the movie while sitting on the rocking horse as usual with my hair on two braids. After the movie my mom called my name because dinner was ready "-- come to the table, please. Food is ready" when I angrily shouted back at her "My name is not -- I am Pippi Långstrump!" and I refused to go to eat before my mom called me Pippi.

Swedish - Pippilotta Viktualia Rullgardina Krusmynta Efraimsdotter Långstrump
Finnish - Peppilotta Sikuriina Rullakartiina Kissanminttu Efraimintytär Pitkätossu
English - Pippilotta Delicatessa Windowshade Mackrelmint Efraim's Daughter Longstocking








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